It
was a strange moment to say the least. It was the summer after my
Sophomore year, and it was the first summer since my "Summer of Hell"
where, even though I went to a FCA Camp and Promise Keepers, I almost
took my own life. However, I was finally growing into my own skin. A
few months before, I won a personal victory, getting elected as the
Treasurer for Student Counsel. I was getting my feet wet in PC Ministry
as a Young Apostles. Things were on the up and up.

The ride up
was pretty awesome, especially going through Scranton and getting up to
Syracuse. Thinking about Syracuse has another meaning to it, but that's
for another post =P.

Fast-forward from the ride up to
the chapel ceremony. There were a good amount of people here. Though
the ceremony was held in Mary's church, the priest that worked with
Fatica all his life was on hand to marry them. I was sitting in the
chapel, watching all this unfold. Mind you, I was 15 and I didn't
really understand the aspect of eternal, everlasting love within the
context of human love. I was looking around most of the time, and
truthfully, I was bored at times.

I never knew that a Catholic
wedding had some structures to the Catholic Mass. Growing from PC
ministry, I started to love the Catholic Mass and the truth that is in
the Eucharist. However, at that point, in a church I have never been in and that I will never be in again, I didn't care too much for the service.

What I do
remember were the little things. I remember 1 Corinthians 13 being
read. I remember Genesis 2:23-24 being read. I remember 1 Peter 3:7
being read. I remember the glint in Mary and Justin's eyes when I saw
them hearing the verses, hearing the Homily, and staring lovingly into
each other's eyes. Mind you, this is the first non-family wedding I
have been to, but it was one of the first times where I could see love.

On
that day, and from that time on, I saw love and it was Justin and Mary.
As much as they may be different, there is no shadow of doubt in my
mind that Fatica loved Mary and Mary loved him back. Outside of all the
drama the ministry was causing, outside of all the people Fatica tried
to get on the retreats, outside of the people who thought he was
"fake", and outside of PC ministry all together, I saw Fatica in his
most genuine moment: the moment where love came into his heart and never left.

If
there was ever a moment that gave Fatica even more motivation, it was
his wedding for he was able to see what love can do and what love can
complete. He was now married to the love of his life, and from that
moment on, one of his best examples of what love is and what love can
do will be embedded in the heart and soul of his wonderful wife.

"Now I know you may have made mistakes
But there's forgiveness and a second chance
So wait for me darling, wait for me... -- Rebecca St. James - Wait For Me

They waited, and now, two finally became one. God saw them, and said that it was good. =)

****************************************************

To
be frank, my experience with Young Apostles was a scarring one. Yes, I
loved the thought of being able to help put together the Wednesday
Night Prayers that I loved to go to. Yes, I loved the thought of being
able to connect with other people that had the same goal in mind. And
yes, I loved the thought of being the "elite" people out of PC
Ministry.

The way that Fatica did Young Apostles felt a bit like boot camp. You have to be at the meetings on time, or else. Young Apostles has to be your #1 priority or else. You have
to do what he says or else. The "else" was usually either him "gently"
reminding you of your responsibilities or threats of kicking you out of
YA. Needless to say, it wasn't the love-fest-for-God I thought it would
be. It was more about discipline than anything else.

When
I got into the Young Apostles as YA4, I thought it was going to be
extremely awesome. The people were cool, the retreat brought us closer,
and things could have not gotten off to a better start.
However, things did get worse, and quickly too. School started up
again. People started to miss meetings. We weren't able to hang out as
much as we wanted to. And, for the first time, WNP was becoming a
burden. Every Wednesday, I would wait around, hang out with Mark or
other people who would hang around, and cringe when 4 pm came around
for our YA meeting.

There's no doubt I learned a lot in my
first session as a YA. Fatica conducts the meetings like a mini-WNP,
just for us. I felt kinda special with that. However, in the meetings,
I saw parts of Fatica's ugliness that I never hope I would ever see. There is no other moment that explains that as I would like to call it, the "Infamous Rosary Incident".

I'm
Free Methodist, admittedly. It's an evangelistic Protestant
denomination. However, I have thought many times to convert. In fact,
one of the conversations I will always keep in my heart is a
conversation I had with Fatica about the Eucharist and how he "can't
believe" a faithful kid like me can't receive the Eucharist because of
my denomination, but a Catholic who doesn't understand Catholicism nor
the power of the Eucharist can. He understood that I'm a Christian, but
a couple of times, he just couldn't understand that I was not Catholic.

People ask me all the time "why don't you convert?", "you respect Catholicism so much, why not become Catholic?", and "you're so
much like a Catholic, why aren't you?" Admittedly, I confuse people by
going to the Catholic Underground here and doing Catholic retreats
while in high school. I love the Catholic Mass and I love many of the
Catholics I meet. There are a small number of Catholics and former
Catholics who have changed my life forever. From Sar to Mark to Kel to
Col to so many others, Catholics (whether practicing or very non-practicing) have impacted me so much.

The
reason why I haven't converted though is because I still have questions
and doubts about the Church. I rather go to the Source to talk about my
sins and ask for forgiveness. I try but I can't truly understand the
intersession of the saints. And the Rosary, oh boy. When you talk about
the Rosary with me (as Daria did last night), there is one story I
don't usually explain why I just can't pray the Rosary.

It was
about the 3rd month out of the 6 month commitment. Fatica had us all
around. We had our full team at this point, though I don't remember
Valdo in this story at all. He had us all get a carpet and kneel up-right. Now, if you have ever seen me at a Catholic Mass, I never kneel the full way. I usually sit on my legs while kneeling because my knees start to hurt really
bad when I'm up-right kneeling on them. When he asked us to do this,
all of me inside recoiled at the thought, but I did it anyway. Fatica
told us that, as a metaphor, real hard-core Christians have rug burns
on their knees or something like that. Just hearing that made me even
more concerned about what's going to happen next.

We started to do the rosary on our knees up-right. He wanted us to do the entire rosary in this position. A rosary is five decades, and trust me, it felt
like I was on my knees for five true decades! Usually, a full rosary
can be done in about 15 minutes. However, Fatica put a twist on it,
having us reflect after every decade and (I believe) having one of us
say a prayer outloud after every decade, which dragged the thing out
even longer.

By the first decade, I was ok, not in pain yet.
By the second decade, my body weight started to suppress my body down
harder and harder on the carpet below my knees. By the third decade, my
face was starting to show signs of the excruciating pain and anguish my
entire body was feeling. I tried my hardest not to show it, but whoever
saw me, at that moment, knew I wanted to sit down.

Donnie,
one of the guys on the team and a Junior, saw me in pain, and he didn't
want me to keep going on. He interrupted Fatica's rosary to ask if I
can sit down. I looked at Fatica with a pathetic glance with pure
anguish in my eyes. He never looked back, and said to Donnie that we're
going to continue, ignoring my non-verbal exclamations of mercy and
pity. Donnie and Fatica went back and forth on the subject. While
Donnie got more angry, Fatica got more stern. Finally, Donnie said that
he had enough of this, stood up, and walked out of the room. It was the
last time I ever saw him in our meeting room.

After his
departure, Fatica yelled back about him running away from his
responsibility as a Young Apostle. He looked back at me and said that
if I wanted to sit down, I could. I smiled, stretched my legs out, and
put my legs in an Indian fashion. As my legs were getting back the
feeling of blood pumping through them at a normal rate, I continued the
rosary with the other guys, feeling extreme gratitude to Donnie for
stepping up for me.

After the meeting, I was able to find Donnie
to thank him for standing up for me. It was one of the major ways where
one of Fatica's disciples actually practiced what Jesus preached and
Fatica didn't. What would Jesus have done? I believe He would have told
me to relax and sit down. Christ knew that it was extremely hard for me
to focus on the Rosary and on Him while I was in extreme pain. Donnie
did what Jesus did that day, but the Young Apostles and my experiences
with it will never be the same.

Fatica carved the most
painful experience of my time as a Young Apostle and associated it with
the practice of praying the Rosary. I understand the meaning behind the
Rosary and how Catholics don't really pray to Mary when they do it. But
my experiences with the Rosary from that point on were non-fruitful and
fake. It didn't feel genuine. However, it brought about one of the most
vivid examples of Jesus Christ to me. Though I can't pray the Rosary
without remembering that incident or feeling empty and hallow, I
connect the Rosary to that incident. I still remember the pain.

I
stuck with Young Apostles for one more session as Young Apostles 5.
Why? I don't have a clear answer for that one. I know that I thought
God wanted me to stay with it. I also thought that my dedication to PC
Ministry was directly connected with my participation in the WNPs and
Young Apostles. Whatever was my reason to stay, I stayed.

The
feeling from the beginning of Young Apostles 4 never came with the new
team. I had one of my best friends in the group, and yet, it didn't
feel the same. We never had an overnight retreat with our group. It
felt more disorganized than the last team. Most of all, Young Apostles
and WNP completely became a burden and just a "thing to do" that got me
out of play practice for "You Can't Take It With You" earlier.

Using
the reasons of the plays I wanted to do and my other activities, I
finished my session with Young Apostles 5 and I never looked back.
There were moments of joy. I still have pictures of some of our YA
hangouts. Those pictures made me smile, especially the hangouts at
Nate's house. However, the year I was a Young Apostle was a hard year.
My Wednesdays from 4 to 10 pm would never be the same. I started to
question more about Fatica's intentions at PC. Nothing made me question
him more than the sidebars of PC Ministry: Hard as Nails Ministry and
the Cross and Crown retreats.

****************************************************
"It was a beautiful let down when You found me here
Yeah for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down, that's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul, I'll sing for free..." -- Switchfoot - The Beautiful Letdown

"The
Beautiful Letdown" was the song I used as my theme song for my last
talk ever during my Senior year on the Cross and Crown retreat. I would
have to put the Cross and Crown retreats down as one of the best
experiences I had at PC. The sign posters in my room signify the
importance of those retreats to me. I went on three retreats and lead
three at PC. I went to the FCA Overnight retreat, Cross and Crown
retreat and the Journey retreat, while leading the last ever FCA
Overnight and two Cross and Crown retreats. At those retreats, I met
and got to know some of my closest friends at PC like Perriwinkle and
Priscilla =P.

With the Cross and Crown retreats, I found I had
a great ability of making rosaries out of anything that was stringy
from actual string to rope to twine. Sure, I couldn't pray the
Rosary, but I could make some mean rosaries in my day. I made about a
good 20 to 25 rosaries per week. I made some just for fun. Yes, I was
crazy, but let's move on from that. =P

When it comes to
retreats, those were Fatica at his highest moments of excitement. He
never let the kid in him die. During worship on retreats, he was just
that much more hyper. He jumped higher, screamed louder, and preached
more stern. He was in the zone when it came to the retreats.

With
retreat meetings, he was not as crazy as he was in the meetings with
the Young Apostles. He expected much more from the Young Apostles when
it came to prayer, attendance of meetings, and things they needed to do
for him or for WNP. With the Cross and Crown retreat, even though he
was the head speaker and he was the head of the retreat, I don't
remember his appearance that much in the meetings.

We had two
separate teams for those retreats: the Cross and the Crown teams. The
Crown team was out there with the kids and doing the talks, while the
Cross team fasted, prayed, and worked behind the scenes for the
retreat. Though he usually leaded up the Crown team, I remember my
experiences in the Cross team much more. With his wife Mary as the head
of the Cross teams (when I was there) and Mark's dad, Ray Sunshine (as
we called him), assisted, I learned the importance of fasting. With
her, I actually grew in my faith, even if it was just that
little more. I felt challenged while working on the Cross team, but
unlike my Young Apostles experience, the challenge wasn't a burden. It
was a struggle, but I grew in my understanding of Jesus Christ.

My
main frustration with Fatica and Wednesday Night Prayer in the last 2
years was that the message seemed to be the same things I heard over
and over again. The messages dealt with, as Fatica used to describe
some girls, "fluff" subjects that didn't challenge me. At this point, I
was learning more at my church, while committing to praying and reading
the Bible every day (which I still do now). The messages dealt with new
or baby Christians. However, I didn't want the baby food anymore. I
wanted the meat, the steak, and the juicy center of a well-cooked
hamburger in my message. God gave me that through an unlikely source:
his wife, and the work she and Ray Sunshine and all the other adults
put into everything. Ray's dedication and Mary's devotion to the
retreat and to the Cross team gave me that meat. And believe me, I was
fed... very well. =)

When it comes to Fatica's messages on any
retreat or WNP at Paramus Catholic, he always sprinkled his ministry,
Hard as Nails (HaN), into his message or the program of the night. My
participation with HaN started when I was in YA4. We were required to
do a HaN retreat with him. The first retreat I did was the only one I
truly remember: the lock-in overnight retreat at Our Lady of Good
Counsel in Washington Township.

The
importance of that retreat can be found in two instances. I'll briefly
touch the second instance in the end of this section. The first
instance was that it was the first retreat I did outside the halls of
Paramus Catholic. I had so much fun on the retreat. I remember faintly
that I actually talked in front of a good 100 kids, which was something
I never did before. That gave me the strength to do what I do now at
Church: do the announcements in front of 130+ people every other Sunday
as well as co-lead a Sunday School class.

Fatica lead the
retreat, and I remember it as a great night-into-day event. It was
during December of my Sophomore year in a weekend before the craziness
of the rest of that year. To be brief, I got in-school suspended the
week after that event. The next month, I was literally locked up in the
Vice Principal's office for 7 periods, crying my eyes out because I was
being blamed for something I didn't do.

Ironically though, I
cried about a couple of things. I worried about my scholarship to PC. I
worried about how my family would react. Most of all, though, I worried
about how Fatica would react. The strange thing is that Fatica eased up
his pressure on me as a Young Apostle after the incident. Whether the
Vice Principal had something to do with that, I have no idea. All I
knew was I was growing as a child of God and as a man outside the
watchful eyes and stunning sermons of Fatica.

As the HaN
ministry continued to grow, more PC people were participating in the
retreats. As they grew with Fatica, I grew away from the HaN ministry.
As the HaN ministry grew, I saw the impact of the ministry throughout
WNP at PC. He sold some of his HaN shirts before some WNPs, and heck, I
saw a couple of the kids wearing those shirts religiously. At times, it
was hard to separate the two ministries, and Fatica didn't make that
job easier by mentioning past HaN retreats in his message and in the
program. The more publicity Hard as Nails got, the more churches hired
the ministry for a retreat or two. The more people knew about the
ministry, the easier it was for him to get gigs all over the East Coast
(which is the situation now).

To this day, I have no idea if
Fatica used PC ministry as a way to springboard into his own ministry.
I saw him put quite a lot of time into PC Ministry as well as HaN
ministry. What I can say is that the two ministries were blended and
molded together at times during my four years in ministry. If PC was
used for HaN, you can make a lot of points for both sides. Whether PC
was for him to prep himself for future HaN ministry work or get the
ball rolling and the word out about HaN, Hard as Nails is as big as I
have ever seen it before. There is no doubt in my mind that if there
wasn't PC Ministry, Hard as Nails would not be as strong as it is today, period.

****************************************************

A
week or so ago, I was sitting in my room. This was during my Spring
Break, so I can stay up longer than usual. It was around 3:30ish in the
morning, and I was curious about how Fatica was doing and the like. I
went to his website (http://www.hanm.org)
and I went to the Message section. In it, I decided to start a
tradition: I would listen to one of the 7 clips on the site every night
before I went to sleep. The truth is I haven't seen the man in two
years and I wanted to see how he was going with his message.

I
go into the message titled "Beautiful Dating", and I started listening
to it. Fatica started to do his funny intros, getting the crowd excited
as only he can. Though I didn't see the people who he preached to, from
the sound of them, it seemed that the kids were pretty young. Let's go
with the ages of 14 to 17. By the one minute mark of the file I was
listening to, he asked all the gentlemen to stand up.

He got
all the guys up. He wanted them to repeat what he said, so he goes "I'm
attracted... to WOMEN!" The guys respond back, and Fatica goes "So
who's attracted to women in here?" Some of the girls in the crowd
laugh. In a joking matter, Fatica states, "Please seek a counselor if
you're not, please..." Some of the kids kept laughing. Fatica keeps
going, saying "Rob, if you're here, please send them somewhere if
they're not".

Apparently, Fatica knew that he just put his foot
in his mouth because he stuttered next, "I hope that... well, yes, we
are all attracted in different ways, but hopefully you're attracted
to... GIVE IT UP FOR WOMEN NOW!" The crowd applauds, Fatica gets out of
a sticky situation, and the rest of the message goes off without a
hitch.

I had to stop the message. My jaw dropped and didn't
get back up for a good 5 minutes. The man just said something that
reeks of homophobia. Knowing Fatica, I do think that he isn't
homophobic. If he was able to deal with me, especially with the plenty
"are you gay?" comments and questions fired about me at my best
friends, I believe he wasn't homophobic. However, it is truly
irresponsible to speak slander against homosexuals, especially if the
man claims to preach about love and focusing on the all-encompassing
attributes of that virtue.

The thing is, within my time with
Fatica, he says little things like this that makes you question whether
or not he is genuine and sincere. I talked about this with my friend
Samika, and her question was simply this, "why does he say things like that?"
My answer: "I have no idea." And I really have no idea why he has small
lapses like that. He's not perfect, but to think that a seemingly
homophobic comment can seep into his message to a crowd of hundreds of
kids hungry for the Message, it scares me.

In
reality, I can't take those small sayings and use it to accurately
assess him as a man and the preacher of the Word. I slip up. Others
slip up. Priests and pastors do all the time, though usually not in
front of a huge crowd. What I can take from this is that Fatica, like all of us,
have a lot of room to grow as followers and children of God. Maybe, in
the future, his message won't be tainted with lines and words like
that. By the mercy of Christ, I pray and hope that no one will be lead
astray through small sayings like this.

However, I know people who have
strayed away from ministry or even from God because of Fatica and his
poor example of Christ at times. I'm sure I have done the same as well
as many of you who are reading this. If I have to describe who he is, I
look at him not just for the mistakes he has made, but also the fruit
his ministry and his message has bore. He's not a perfect man, and yes,
he has hurt me at times, but he is like every one of us: a sinner. His
failures are just bigger and easier for us to see and judge.

To
finish up the last section, I will explain briefly about the second
instance of the retreat's importance, because my next post will
probably deal with this. I came back to it. I still remember the dates:
January 30th-31st, 2005. After a crazy day of Quiz Bowl, I went to the
retreat with a few friends: Kathleen, Megan, Diana and Cassie (as I
remember it). To fast-forward this entire story, I went someone extremely special there, and she's the reason why my relationship status is set as "It's Complicated" because... it is. =P

Now,
more than two years later, I'm still talking with that someone special,
Colleen, and as we plan on a weekend for me to come up and visit, I
reflect back on why I was there on that retreat. The one answer I think
of drives me crazy to even fathom.

*Fatica indirectly was the reason why I was on that retreat.*

January
30th-31st, 2005 are two dates that I will remember for quite a long
time. Heck, when you meet someone who means so much to you and has
changed your life in ways you can't explain, you remember those dates.
=P

It's hard to give you the full extent of what Fatica's
example has done in my life. Outside of his watchful eye, I'm growing
more every day as a child of God, more than I did when I was in PC
Ministry. I pray more than I ever have before, and I
consistently read the Bible every day with my devotional. I co-lead a
class, and I'm viewed as a leader at my Church. And I want more. I want to grow more. I want to do more. I want to be more like Christ.

I
think breaking out of PC Ministry helped me more than I know at this
point. I have a pseudo-relationship with someone who helps me grow
deeper in love with Christ. I actually have to work on my relationship with Christ. I'm seeing the damage of sins more in my life and in others.

Just like Fatica indirectly helped me, I indirectly thank him
for being and not being the example of Christ. Because of him, I'm able
to make my own decisions about Christ and my relationship with Christ.
Whether I may agree or disagree with him at times, though all the crap
I went with and through him, I am now who I am today: an active and
passionate follower of Christ.

I'm content and happy with where I'm at, in spite and thanks to Fatica.

The Hard as Nails website tells people to come to see the documentary to "see how HBO and film crew depict Hard as Nails".
I will be at the premiere to see if HBO was accurate. If they are, the
documentary will show not only the moments where Fatica helps plant
another seed for Christ, but also the moments where Fatica throws away
another seed. It will show the pros and cons of Fatica and the
ministry. If the documentary is able to do that, I will go back to the
dorms happy about seeing a good and accurate documentary.

Fatica brought me towards and away from Christ, but through all of that, I can only say one thing... thank you. =)

Brent